Monday, July 18, 2016

Reading for work has killed reading for fun.

So, you know how sometimes, you come up with the great idea, and you're sure it's going to change you life??? Well about 4 years ago, I had one of those ideas. I needed a new life goal, my first career choice didn't work out, so I took a look at all of the things that I was good at that I thought I could turn into a job. Funny enough, I could only think of one practical skill. Reading. Actually that's a lie. I was good at reading, and I was good at talking. That was basically it. I was also good with children, not necessarily because I wanted to be, children and I just seemed to naturally get along. From all of that, I decided I should be a teen librarian. At the time it seemed like a smart fit. I started school (the one thing I promised myself I would never do) and got a full time job working in a library almost as soon as I started looking in my second semester of grad school.

So here's a little background. Every since... let's say middle school, but it was really probably around the 4th grade, I've been a reader. Reading was what I did when we moved 3000 miles away from my family. Reading was what I did when my parents had another baby and I was 13 and people were mistaking me for a mom. And reading was what I did in Middle School when I had almost no friends because apparently people though I was gay (not that it should have mattered). Reading was my safe place, and the only thing that helped me relax. Fast forward to now. Reading has become a job. I feel like I can't read for me, because I have to read for patrons. I have to read the newest JoJo Moyoes book so I can talk about it was patrons. Most of the kids that come to me are between 4th and 7th grade so when I'm reading, I'm constantly thinking "can I recommend this book to younger kids", "is this book to violent for younger kids", "will a mom get mad at me if I suggest this book to younger kids", and as soon as a book has sex, or bad language, or violence, I begin to feel like I've waisted my time because I know that I can't suggest that book to the kids who come to be for readers advisory. These aren't the thoughts I want to have. These aren't the thoughts I use to have. These aren't even thoughts I use to have at my old job because kids normally came to the library on their own, and the parents didn't really care what they were reading, as long as they were reading.

I stopped blogging and using Goodreads because I began to hate reading. It was the scariest thing in the world because I began to wonder how I was going to distract myself from the woes of the world. Thank goodness for Pokemon Go. I'm slowly working to change my mindset. But honestly, the books I'd need to read to fit the needs of the community that I work in, aren't necessarily the books that I want to read. It's making things kind of a mess. I'm hoping to find some middle ground.

I don't know if anyone is going to read this post, but this is a blog, and in my opinion, if I can't express myself and my feelings in my own blog, then when can I do it.


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